It is a strange thing, these "friendships" online. In so many ways we are all strangers. You don't know how I smell when you hug me, or my greatest fear. I don't know what your hands feel like wrapped around mine, or what you look like walking towards me. Perhaps if we are lucky, or one circle closer, we know the sound of each other's voice, or the pace of your breath as you steady your laughter. Yet despite all the unknown, intimacy is forged in the pursuit of connection.
Bit by bit, post by post, comment by comment, we build a vision of one another. In my mind's eye I may imagine how soft your hair feels slipping through my fingers. For someone else it may be the strength and coolness of your touch against their skin as you pull them near. Slowly, incrementally, you become a unique version of yourself - my version of you, and vice versa. They say we all exist as a different version of ourselves to every person we encounter in our life. How vast that sea of "yous" that must be!
Our minds are shrewd and purposeful. They seek to feed our hungry and suffering souls - to satiate whatever needs or wants we have. Thus, adoration is born. Flaws lay in wait as the slightest attention quenches our desire to be seen - eradicating any semblance of reality. And so it begins...seemingly innocent; the compulsion for engagement. A viewed story. A liked post. A DM. A shared reel. Rapidly the intoxication sets in; every notification dilates the pupils and sweet surges of dopamine flood the brain. I am seen. I am wanted. I matter.
The whys are complex and varied. For some they have many, many friends and loves, and yet they feel alone. They feel unknown. They search and hope to one day be seen for who they really are; to be loved for this version of themselves is a distant wish. A never-ending hunger.
For others it is distraction or sport. Toying with want and desire to fill a day and pass the time. Pushing boundaries to see how far one will go for affection and attention. They collect intimate images like badges; revelations of fondness and attraction gather dust in a jar by their bed.
For others they have no one. No person to call home. No shoulder to cry on. No hand to hold. No one to share their thoughts and desires with, aside from the characters they have created in their minds; their 500+ friends.
Sometimes I struggle. I struggle, as crazy as it sounds, seeing someone more attractive or talented or interesting or free or uninhibited or sexy on another's feed or story. It's not because I'm insecure. It's not because I'm possessive. And it's not because I'm depressed. It makes my heart sink because it is a slap in the face. A disruption amidst the escapist fantasy I have crafted. One where you and I, or me and them, or you and them, are so much more than strangers - we are intimately known.
It's in that moment - the awakening - when someone moves on. The pain of reality, the pain of knowing I'm not special. I am not unique. Rather, I am a number. I am one of many. I am just like the rest of your 500+ friends. That pain becomes too hard to bear. Hope is lost. The fantasy dissolves. And so, you or I am blocked. For no known reason. Perhaps even without fault.
And why would someone say goodbye? It will only hurt more. So silently they slip away to build another fantasy with someone else. In person or online. And one day it occurs to you or me that they once were there and now they are not.
It is impossible for anyone to permanently feel special in this social media world. That is it's greatest flaw.
In real life that is a euphoric gift - to make someone feel special. A gift easily given and forever cherished.
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